2010

2010 : About the Deathication : Detailed Lists

Here are the varyingly detailed lists for 2010.

Charles’ (Very Detailed) List:

  1. Ernie Harwell
    CURRENT AGE (as of January 1, 2010): 91
    FAMOUS FOR: Longtime and legendary Major League Baseball sportscaster, mainly with the Detroit Tigers, but also with the New York Giants and Baltimore Orioles during their 1950’s heydays.
    WHY HE’LL DIE: In addition to being 91, he was diagnosed with incurable bile duct cancer, and he and his family decided to forgo treatment. In other words, a gift from the deathlist gods, one that will forever rank Harwell above Curt Gowdy and Jim McKay on the sportscasters-I’d-never-heard-of-until-they-were-potential-corpses list.
  2. Dolores Hope
    CURRENT AGE: 100
    FAMOUS FOR: Accomplished nightclub singer and philanthropist known mainly for marrying someone a lot more famous and talented and hook-nosed, and then getting trotted out during USO shows and NBC specials.
    WHY SHE’LL DIE: Not only a centenarian, but also suffered multiple strokes in 2008. Lost a husband and a son within a year. Unable to appear publicly for her hundredth birthday, much like her hubby, who died shortly after his.
  3. Sargent Shriver
    CURRENT AGE: 94
    FAMOUS FOR: Failed vice-presidential candidate (1972, when he replaced some mental patient on the McGovern ticket) and Kennedy relative by marriage. Ambassador to France and first director of the Peace Corps.
    WHY HE’LL DIE: Came out of Alzheimers-imposed exile this summer to bury his wife and, two weeks later, brother-in-law. Was already a nonagenarian Alzheimers patient. Now we can add bereft widower to that.
  4. Penny Marshall
    CURRENT AGE: 66
    FAMOUS FOR: Less hot half of Laverne & Shirley (played Laverne), who got even less hot as she went on to direct comedy movies like Big and A League of Their Own, and non-comedy movies like Awakeningsand Renaissance Man.
    WHY SHE’LL DIE: Diagnosed with a brain tumor and liver tumor last year. Tabloids speculate it’s terminal. Her two main 2009 credits: an appearance at Brittany Murphy’s funeral, and directing two episodes of According to Jim. So she’s obviously having a rough go of life.
  5. Sid Caesar
    CURRENT AGE: 87
    FAMOUS FOR: Television pioneer. Star of prototypical sketch-com programs Your Show of Shows and Caesar’s Hour. Occasional movie actor (Grease, It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad Mad World). Possibly the only person to perform the work of Neil Simon, Mel Brooks and Woody Allen all in the same hour. Probably banged Imogene Coca too.
    WHY HE’LL DIE: Notoriously self-destructive octogenarian who went on a thirty-year drinking binge after his career declined. His few public appearances in the 00’s showed a frail, sickly, shell of a man.
  6. Ruth Bader Ginsburg
    CURRENT AGE: 76
    FAMOUS FOR: Second Supreme Court Justice with a vag (unless Souter’s got a secret). Fourth hottest justice on the current Supreme Court. Clinton appointee and court’s resident abortion booster.
    WHY SHE’LL DIE: Diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last year, and has been bouncing between the hospital and the court. Colorectal cancer survivor. Thinks it would be funny if another sitting justice drops before Stevens.
  7. Deanna Durbin
    CURRENT AGE: 88
    FAMOUS FOR: Oscar-winning movie-musical star of the 1930’s and 1940’s (nothing you’ve heard of). Passed over for the voice of Snow White (in the original Disney movie) and the role of Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz. Famously retired from Hollywood and moved to Paris in 1950, and has been a virtual recluse (and “whatever happened to…” punchline) ever since.
    WHY SHE’LL DIE: Well, nobody knows too much about her health right now, but she’s been a widow for over ten years, and out of the public eye for a good sixty. But I could do worse than pick a self-imposed Norma Desmond who’s outlived most of the people who remember her.
  8. William “Refrigerator” Perry
    CURRENT AGE: 47
    FAMOUS FOR: Large and in-charge defensive lineman for the ’86 Chicago Bears, his goofy grin, hefty frame, and affable personality made him a ubiquitous celeb: amateur rapper (“The Super Bowl Shuffle”), amateur actor, above-amateur pitchman.
    WHY HE’LL DIE: Hospitalized in April due to complications from Guillain-Barre Syndrome. Currently under the care and supervision of his brother. Frequent weight fluctuations: weighed anywhere from 450 to 190 lbs in the last five years. And the ’86 Bears haven’t exactly had the greatest mortality rate.
  9. Alexander Haig
    CURRENT AGE: 85
    FAMOUS FOR: Well-dressed war pig. Reagan’s first Secretary of State (which apparently made him third in line to the presidency), and Chief of Staff for Nixon and Ford. His hard-on for the Falkland War was bigger than Thatcher’s. Launched a hilariously bungled campaign for the 1988 Republican presidential nomination. Some idiots thought he was Deep Throat, even though he was pretty far up Nixon’s ass.
    WHY HE’LL DIE: Fairly low profile in the last few years. Resigned from MGM Mirage Board of Directors in October probably due to health concerns. Used to host informercials — doesn’t even do that anymore.
  10. David Prowse
    CURRENT AGE: 74
    FAMOUS FOR: Tall British actor best known as Darth Vader‘s body in Star Wars. Appeared in a number of British movies and TV shows. Weightlifter and bodybuilder who helped train Christopher Reeve and Cary Elwes.
    WHY HE’LL DIE: Announced he was fighting prostate cancer in 2009. Has been steadily shrinking for the last decade, and is paralyzed in both arms. Multiple health problems over the past few years due to height/bodybuilding issue

Gavin’s (Somewhat detailed) List:

  1. Bernard Madoff – I can imagine the will to live is receding. Plus prison is never good for one’s health, especially with Bernie’s propensity to “fall out of bed on to his face.”
  2. Fidel Castro – Never a good bet for death poolers, Castro nevertheless must drop at some point. I’m calling 2010.
  3. Mickey Rooney – Really really old!
  4. Gene Wilder – A bit of a wild card pick, but he’s had cancer, hasn’t looked good.
  5. Helen Thomas – Had chutzpah to survive the ignominy of the Bush years, but she’s almost 90.
  6. Alan Greenspan – Wishful thinking?
  7. Rev. Sun Myung Moon – Newly prominent on my radar since my move to Washington D.C., this self-professed messiah and media mogul is about ready for his (next?) acsension to the afterlife.
  8. Aretha Franklin – Judging from her appearance at Obama’s inauguration, her fashion sense is the only thing healthy about her.
  9. Bobby Brown – Another wild card – drug problems probably haven’t improved since his divorce from Whitney.
  10. Barbara Walters – Toss up between her and Burt Reynolds, but I wanted more female representation on my list. Still going strong at 80, so this could be one of 2010’s most high profile deaths.

Colin’s (Very Under-detailed) List:

  1. Yogi Bera - He once said “it ain’t over ’til it’s over.”
  2. Mickey Rooney - He just looks like he’s going soon.
  3. Fats Domino - Survived Hurricane Katrina, but…
  4. Jerry Lewis - Dean Martin needs his jester back.
  5. Nancy Reagan – Misses Ronnie.
  6. Elizabeth Taylor – Misses Jacko.
  7. B.B. King – “One Touch changes everything.”
  8. Steve Jones (Sex Pistols) – The dudes been addicted to heroin and methadone at the same time; it’s just a matter of time.
  9. Fidel Castro – May already be dead.
  10. Courtney Love - ‘Cause she’s Courtney Love.